The Country Bears Inspiration
I was sitting at the dining table this morning eating my breakfast when I heard this quote that resonated with me: “you can be different and still fit in”. If you’re not lucky enough to have a younger brother that is a movie connoisseur (especially with Disney and Pixar movies) and who brings his tablet with him everywhere he goes, then you might not recognize that that quote is from the hit movie, ‘The Country Bears’. When I say “hit movie” I mean that it’s a hit in our home seeing that my brother- JR- watches at least 10x per month. In my opinion, it’s a great movie with plenty of equally great messages throughout. One of the great messages is directly related to the quote mentioned above.
Growing up, I never really felt like I truly fit in anywhere. This feeling was due to various reasons, but the biggest one was that my home life seemed completely different from that of my peers. While they would talk about how they sat with ther family at dinner time and played games around the table and talked, I talked about how after school I would either have to get ready to travel to one of my brother’s many appointments or I would go to my room because JR had ABA scheduled until 5pm. By the time JR was done with ABA he was tired, overwhelmed, and frustrated so we would let him have his time to himself to decompress. My dad worked three jobs so that he could provide us with a good life and to be able to afford all of JR’s services so by the time he got home, he was also tired, overwhelmed and stressed so he needed his own time. My mom dedicated all her time to making sure that JR had everything he needed and she would make herself readily available for everyone in the house so naturally, she would also need her time (even though she never really stopped working). All that to say that we rarely used our dining table or ate dinner together, and we wouldn’t begin to do that until about 5 years ago. My classmates would also talk about their relationships with their siblings and the only thing I could relate to was physically having a sibling. JR was diagnosed with autism when he was two years old and his diagnosis was severe. Being nonverbal, interactions with JR were very different and because of that I didn’t have the traditional sibling experience. Don’t worry though, nowadays, JR has come incredibly far and we’ve all found a way to communicate with JR. It also helps that he goes to speech therapy and is learning how to use a communicative device to express his wants and needs. Not only that, but JR’s vocabulary has grown tremendously- an incredible feat considering that multiple health professionals told my parents he would never speak or accomplish much.
Anyways, back to my original point, because my experiences were so different, I constantly felt different (& not in a good way) and like I didn’t belong. Now that I’ve grown up a little, I realize that it’s okay that I didn’t ‘belong’ with certain groups of people- they simply weren’t my people. To be honest, finding your people is a life long process and building your community takes time, effort, and the patience to fail a couple of times because not everyone you meet is going to be your person. However, those that truly value you for who you are and appreciate you for who you are will always make you feel like you fit in. All of this was a very roundabout way of getting to my second point: always do your best to be the person that makes someone else feel like they fit in, regardless of whether or not they’ll be one of your people for life.
Individuals with an intellectual/developmental disability can have a more difficult time finding where they belong simply because they’re too ‘different’, but let’s be real- who is normal? I used to be embarrassed when my brother would begin vocalizing very loudly or stimming in public because that isn’t something that society labels as ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable’. When studying disability law, the book I was reading said that disability is made bigger because of societal constructs imposed on individuals with a disability and one way that that sentiment is practiced is by ostracizing certain behaviors. Granted some behaviors that evolve into self-injurious behaviors or harmful behaviors should be addressed correctly, but vocalizing loudly or stimming isn’t that weird when you think about it. It’s no different than someone loudly voicing their opinion or speaking loudly when around their friends or someone tapping their foot because they’re impatient. The older you get the less you care about what others think and the more you begin prioritizing others feel seen and appreciated for who they are. Sadly, this isn’t the case for everyone, but it has been for me.
Sometimes I still struggle in public settings when I’m out with my brother because people are very good at (1) being judgemental, (2) voicing their opinion even when no one asked for it, and (3) staring. Depending on what is going on, sometimes all three of these things happen as a result and other times only one occurs. Regardless, you have to decide if engaging in those behaviors is worth it because more often than not, they’re not. You have to remember that empathy and open-mindedness are not strengths that every one is able to possess.
If you’ve found your way to my website, then I would make an educated guess that someone dear to you is a part of the I/DD community, whether it’s a son, daughter, brother, sister, grand child, family friend, or family member. If I could offer you one piece of advice that I wish someone had offered me earlier on it would be this: preoccupying yourself with nonsensical societal standards comes at the expense of creating a welcoming environment where that individual in your life is able to feel like they fit in. Creating this environment can be a result of minor changes like staring back when someone stares at them, joining in on a stimming session, or treating loud vocalizations like they’re normal because they’re not as big of a deal as you think they are. We have a greater obligation to make our persons feel appreciated, valued, and like they belong because if we don’t do that then why should others?
